What to do about Madison?

What to do about Madison. Lately I have been thinking more and more that something is wrong with her, that we really need to do something drastic to improve her behavior. John and I both feel the same way, we are at a complete loss as to how to deal with her.

I have said before and still believe, even if she were ADHD or ADD, I would never medicate her. But I do wonder if that is the case. And if so, what do we do about it without medicating? I don't know anything about these conditions, I don't know anyone diagnosed with either and have never researched them. Just now, for the first time ever I looked up the definitions and symptoms and nearly every single one of them fits Madison to a T. She has always been a difficult child, but it didn't seem out of control until the last year or so. I just always thought she was full of energy and personality and a bit more than most kids, but that was normal. I have always said she has no impulse control whatsoever but I thought that was normal for toddlers. Well she will be 5 in 3 months and isn't a toddler anymore so it's starting to worry me more. I feel like I am yelling at her all the time, nearly always angry. I find myself apologizing to her for getting mad constantly and try to start over and have a good day, and be extra nice and get her busy doing something in hopes of having a good day with her but it's not a few minutes later she is doing what she just got in trouble or something worse. Since Tyler was born, she isn't really worse, it's just that things she does now sometimes effect him and sometimes it's dangerous. Today he was asleep swinging and I was in my studio room, where I can see just a tad bit of the swing, and I saw her sitting down on him and the swing started creaking so I knew she was applying pressure. She claimed she didn't know he was there. Of course I don't believe her, when I came in here getting onto her she was smirking. I don't think that she wanted to hurt him at all, she loves him so much, but just wasn't thinking, she never thinks about what she is doing. She talks back like you wouldn't believe, she can never shut up. She is overly dramatic, so defiant. She rarely listens, does odd "bad" things that she doesn't have a reason for when she gets in trouble. She does some things rough and quick like she had absolutely no thought process before she did it, like grabbing Tyler's arms and pulling him up and as soon as I yell at her she drops him and is quick to say " OH, sorry!". She doesn't show ANY signs of jealousy towards him, she gets special time and just loves him to death and is so happy he is here and wants me to have another baby for a girl, I really don't think he is the cause of any of her problems. She is better with other people when I am not around so I don't know what that means. Where do I go from here?

Here are the signs that describe her...it's just about everything on this website.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/adhd_add_signs_symptoms.htm

Children with ADD / ADHD can pay attention when they’re doing things they enjoy or hearing about topics in which they’re interested. But when the task is repetitive or boring, they quickly tune out.

Kids with ADD / ADHD also have trouble concentrating if there are things going on around them; they usually need a calm, quiet environment in order to sustain attention.

The most obvious sign of ADD / ADHD is hyperactivity. While many children are naturally quite active, kids with hyperactive symptoms of ADD / ADHD are always moving.
The impulsivity of children with ADD / ADHD can cause problems with self-control. Because they censor themselves less than other kids do, they’ll interrupt conversations, invade other people’s space, ask irrelevant questions in class, make tactless observations, and ask overly personal questions.
Children with impulsive signs and symptoms of ADD / ADHD also tend to be moody and to overreact emotionally. As a result, others may start to view the child as disrespectful, weird, or needy.

In addition to the challenges, there are also some positive traits associated with people who have ADD or ADHD:

Creativity – Children who have ADD / ADHD can be marvelously creative and imaginative. The child who daydreams and has ten different thoughts at once can become a master problem-solver, a fountain of ideas, or an inventive artist. Children with ADD may be easily distracted, but sometimes they notice what others don’t see.

Flexibility – Because children with ADD / ADHD consider a lot of options at once, they don’t become set on one alternative early on and are more open to different ideas.

Enthusiasm and spontaneity – Children with ADD / ADHD are rarely boring! They’re interested in a lot of different things and have lively personalities. In short, if they’re not exasperating you (and sometimes even when they are), they’re a lot of fun to be with.

Energy and drive – When kids with ADD / ADHD are motivated, they work or play hard and strive to succeed. It actually may be difficult to distract them from a task that interests them, especially if the activity is interactive or hands-on.

Keep in mind, too, that ADD/ADHD has nothing to do with intelligence or talent. Many children with ADD/ADHD are intellectually or artistically gifted.

Symptoms of inattention in children:
Doesn’t pay attention to details or makes careless mistakes
Has trouble staying focused; is easily distracted
Appears not to listen when spoken to
Has difficulty remembering things and following instructions
Has trouble staying organized, planning ahead, and finishing projects
Frequently loses or misplaces homework, books, toys, or other items

Symptoms of hyperactivity in children:
Constantly fidgets and squirms
Often leaves his or her seat in situations where sitting quietly is expected
Moves around constantly, often running or climbing inappropriately
Talks excessively, has difficulty playing quietly
Is always “on the go,” as if driven by a motor

Symptoms of impulsivity in children:
Blurts out answers without waiting to be called on hear the whole question
Has difficulty waiting for his or her turn
Often interrupts others
Intrudes on other people’s conversations or games
Inability to keep powerful emotions in check, resulting in angry outbursts or temper tantrums

The part about the positive traits is 100% Madison, she is all those things, so so smart, so creative and engergetic and sometimes one of the most fun and funniest kids I have ever met. But what do I do about the negative aspects? We are trying a reward chart now, it's working so-so. One thing led to another a few nights ago and simple punishment turned into her ending up having all her toys and tv taken away and has to earn them back daily. I don't know if that was too severe of a punishment or not. Nothing I have ever done in past few years has had long term effects with her, a lot of things work short time, maybe a few days, like reward charts, treats and praise. I start to cry just thinking about how things are with her now, I hate being mad at her all the time. I love her so much and use to feel so close to her and don't anymore and that breaks my heart.

So I guess I am looking for support and help from moms who have been in my situation, any advice welcome. Thanks for reading.