Feeling Bloggy

So I have not been talking too much about this pregnancy to anyone really unless I was complaining about it to a friend lol. It's been hard to be happy about it, all I can think of is how hard it's gonna be the first year. If John were home all the time I would not be as worried about it, but Tyler is such a mama's boy and I know he is going to be very jealous and there is not much reasoning with an 18 month old, which is what he will be when this one is born. I can't tell him hush while I get the baby to sleep or hold on and I will fix your lunch when the baby is done eating. I can try, but he isn't going to understand too much just yet. The closer to 2 he gets and the older the baby gets I know it will get easier but I feel like Tyler is going to suffer the most being in the middle and still needing so much from me and being put on the back burner often. Some of my plans had to change, and I have never wanted 3 kids so it was hard to accept, I felt so complete and done with my one boy and one girl. Madison couldn't be happier about it though! Poor thing does not know how much more responsibility she is going to have, and if it's a girl, how much she is going to regret wishing for a sister when she is a teenager lol.

I felt very guilty for feeling anything less than happy about it, though. I wanted it to just go away. I was not attached at all. Part of it was I knew I was going to have horrible morning sickness again that would make it hard to take care of Tyler at such a young age. Luckily, that didn't happen. I say God was giving me a break. I was dreading this whole pregnancy so badly that I was having a hard time thinking anything positive about it.

BUT...things have changed. I have realized there is no going back, that babies are a blessing and one day I will look back and think how in the world did I not want him/her? I am feeling more attached now and thinking fondly of my sweet little one growing in there. God forbid something go wrong now. I would be pretty upset. I am actually having an easy pregnancy. My morning sickness, while not fun, was not horrible and passed rather quickly. Now I am feeling great, actually not feeling pregnant at all. I know that will end with the third trimester but at least I can enjoy this time, because I didn't enjoy being pregnant with the other two at all.

I am looking forward to finding out what it is, but I am so certain it's a girl. I will be really surprised if I am wrong. Another month away. I will have a lot of adjusting to do if it's a boy, I think of the baby in terms of she and my little girl and am looking forward to buying tiny pink things again. I just can't force myself to think of the baby as him. With Tyler, I knew he was a boy and couldn't think of him as a girl. So maybe I am right. However, it would be much more convienent if it were a boy, so I really can happy either way. Sharing a room with Tyler, passing down toys and clothes...a boy would be much cheaper and easier being so close to Tyler's age. Either one is totally fine with us but you know how it goes, the boys root for blue and the girls for pink.

I have a lot of crazy thoughts like most pregnant women do. I feel like God is going to punish me for not wanting the baby at first, something will go wrong, be wrong, I will lose it after I am happy about it for not being grateful before. I am going to be a nervous wreck until birth. Before I would have been so happy for someone to tell me I am not really pregnant, but now it's my baby, my third child, part of the family already. My feelings have changed a lot in just the past week and I realize how truly blessed I am. My feelings may continue to be a roller coaster but I am glad to finally be feeling good about it and just wanted to put that out there. My last midwife appointment was Monday, I am 15 weeks, everything looks good and I am really excited about having a home birth instead of birth center this time. Thanks for reading!