Thoughts on boys and girls, a long pointless post about how we really never know what we want...

About five years ago I learned I was pregnant. Like every mom I fantasized about what life would be like with my baby, what kind of mother I would be, things we would do together. But most of all, I wondered if my baby was a boy or girl. It completely consumed me, there probably wasn't a single waking hour that it didn't cross my mind as my growing belly made it difficult to think of anything but the baby. I couldn't picture myself with a son at all, I couldn't look at boy clothes, didn't know if I could like a boy, much less love him. It seemed most boys I knew were mean little devils, and I swore I never wanted one of them since I was a teenager. I thought they were all aggressive, rough, mean, violent, too loud, and annoying. Boy clothes were ugly and I had never met a little boy I liked. So I had my mind set that God would give me a son just to show me different. I tried to prepare myself for the day the ultrasound tech told us it was a boy, although I didn't have a *feeling*, I just figured it was a boy because it wasn't what I wanted. I really thought I would be devastated and tried to tell myself he would be perfect and exactly what I wanted when he was born but secretly didn't believe it. To my huge surprise we were told "It's a girl!" I was beyond excited and relieved to not have to convince myself I would love my baby. I just knew that I would effortlessly fall in love with my little girl, who I pictured as a blond haired blue eyed shy little girl just like me. Not so, however. When Madison was born, blue eyes but red hair, I knew I cared about her, because she was my child and I was supposed to. But she felt like a stranger. I also had an epidural with her and had side effects from it when kept me from holding her for an hour and half after she was born and so nursing was so difficult. I cried every time she had to nurse because it hurt so bad. We both had infections and had to stay in the hospital for 4 days. I had no sleep and was tortured with nursing every 30 minutes until she latched on, then they would let me go 3 hours. Once during the night I was bawling and begged the nurse to take her and give her a bottle for a while because I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't tell anyone I hadn't felt bonded to her because I felt guilty for not having that overwhelming feeling of love. Finally on our first night home, when she was 5 days old, I laid in my own bed cradling her by myself, she was alert and just staring up at me with her gorgeous blue eyes and I was talking to her as if for the first time. She seemed so content looking at me and I specifically remember the moment it happened, the moment I fell in love with her. I thought "THIS is it, that feeling moms describe, I finally understand."Fast forward 4.5 years and I now have one of each. My precious little boy was born 5 almost weeks ago. When we started trying to get pregnant, I knew John wanted a boy and I wanted a boy- for him- not because I really wanted one. I thought two sisters would be fun, but figured since I got the daughter I so badly wanted, I hoped he would get the son he so badly wanted. I had since met two little boys I thought were the sweetest kids and I wouldn't mind having one just like them. I knew this time though that I would be happy either way and bonding would probably go smoother. I wanted to ensure as much as possible and one way was to have a natural birth because I know my birth with Madison hindered our bonding so much. So I did, and it was so hard, the pain was incredible. But it was an amazingly intense and intimate experience and the emotions were, for lack of a better word, amazing. I nursed him just a few minutes after he was born and he latched on like a pro. It was at that moment I had this extremely strong rush of emotion, I fell so head over heels in love in a matter of seconds with this little guy...a boy that I had once thought I might not be able to love. I believe my birth experience is the majority of the reason I bonded easier.So here I am 5 weeks later with Tyler and Madison. Madison is 4.5 and is aggressive, rough, loud, strong willed, wild and crazy - and so much fun. She can hold her own against the toughest of the boys. Tyler is mellow, so sweet, has a smile that will melt your heart and every time I hold him I have to keep myself from squeezing him and kissing him too much. I think God knew what he was doing, teaching me a lesson. I wouldn't have either of them any other way.While I was crazy about Madison too, there is just something different about having a son. I guess this is where "mama's boy" and "daddy's girl" came from. It's different for me as a woman to see a male so vulnerable, so innocent, so sweet and I love it. And for John, he feels this need to protect Madison, but a different feeling of pride with Tyler and can't wait to help him embrace his masculinity. While I just want to cuddle him and make him stay sweet and sensitive in hopes that one day he will be a good husband. Madison has more of John's bolder personality. I could be wrong because it is still so early, but I sense Tyler has more of my shyness. I am not sure if that's a good or bad thing. We could tell Madison's personality from day one, it's never changed. I know I can only handle one Madison, she is a handful. I hope he isn't as introverted as I am, it's hard to overcome. I feel so connected to both my children in different but equal ways. I just could never have expected to feel such overwhelming adoration for a son. I could stare at him for hours- and have- with a smile on my face and my heart filled with more love than I would have ever imagined possible before having kids. I am sad already that they have to grow up and I wonder if this is how my mom felt about us. I wonder what kind of man I will raise, will he be the type that can still tell his mother he loves her? Will he be too macho to be sensitive to his wife? I wonder all the time what can I do to make sure to raise a well balanced son just as I have for years about raising a strong, confident daughter. After all, what do I know about being a man? I'm lucky he has a good father to help out with that. Raising a daughter seems more of a challenge in the teenage years, but raising a son seems like it's more of a challenge for their whole childhood, because I don't want to emasculate him or encourage him to be too rough. I realize now more than ever that men have it emotionally harder, traditionally being the breadwinner, the disciplinarian, the hard laborer, the killer of bugs and remover of mice on traps, soldiers even, and still needing to be gentle and sensitive with his wife and able to kiss the occasional boo boo when mom isn't around. We ask a lot of them, but as a stay at home mom I can be more consistent in my range of duties and emotions. I don't have to go from one extreme at work to a mom at home. But I don't think John would switch jobs with me for anything- nor would I ever give him the option. :)

And because you know I can't post without posting pictures...a few snaps from today.